....

I think I that I like like Michael Mahoney.

You, yes you.

I friggin' like you!!

Why!!!!

Why can't I get you off of my mind?

I'm broken.

Okay, so first of all.
I've been craving the taste of you for so long. I saw you the other day and could not even say one simple word as: "Hi."
I get nervous and different when I'm in your presence.
I don't get it. You're not that different from other people I've liked but yet this how I feel when I'm around you.

I've told you some of my deepest, darkest stuff.
I've showed you things, I keep only to myself. You've showed me things.

I don't see why you can't just give me a chance. A real chance.

Online banking.

So, I really hate online banking, I don't understand it.
I think it's retarded, silly, and it might be convenient if it actually transferred when you wanted it too.
I have to transfer money from Navy Federal Credit Union to my Bank of America checking account so I can order my books.
So, yesterday, I set up the transferring accounts and set Navy Federal up to transfer 400.00 into Bank of America today, so I get up and check it, the 400.00 that was in Navy Federal is gone but it's not in Bank of America, apparently I did not put in the correct account number for Bank Of America, so I called Navy Federal who then called Bank Of America and set up my ACTUAL account number so I can make this transfer, but now I have 400.00 sitting in cyberspace right now.
I probably won't have it back until like, Friday.
Anyways, I need this transfer to happen asap so I can order my books before I go to work Wednesday so I can pick them up.
Duh. :]

No title.

God, I can't take it anymore.
I try to suppress my feelings that I have towards you and just be friends with you, but every time I try, it does not seem to work.
From the first time I met you, way back when you were dating one of my friends, I could tell we would be friends for a while, which was true.
I hope you can still consider me your friend even though I don't fit your friend "quota."
I know I'm not a good athlete, I don't remember most things I've learned, and I haven't done much with my life.
But I hope you can look past all the negative things about me and see my positive things.
I've had a rough life, while you lead somewhat of the "simpler" life, not saying that you got everything you asked for and I'm not saying that I didn't get much of what I asked for either, but you always talk about all these fun and exciting things you've done while I say I've hardly done a third of that.
I'm trying to stop my feelings and just see you as a normal, regular friend. It might take longer than I hope, but if that's all we will ever be, I will bare with it and move on.

Jumbled mess.

My feelings for you are a jumbled mess. I can't determine whether or not if I like you or if its lust. I don't know if I want something more than just being friends with you.
It makes me want to bawl. Why must we be like this with each other.
Why can't we just finish what we started.
I don't know if I just want your body or your body and your mind.
You make me feel rare. It's like you want me to be successful in life, yet you won't say it directly to me, like you want me to figure it out myself, like you've given me a push, but that's all you'll give me until I come and ask for more.
Is this true?
Is this how you feel?

Do we stop being friends entirely or do we just take a break from each other?

I don't want to ever not be friends with you, I don't think I have it in me for that.
I can't see myself in the future not being friends with you.
Can you?
I don't want to end up like you and Yoko.
That's all I will say.

Good day!

Questions I keep asking myself.

Why do I think I like him?
Why am I friends with them?
Do they even care about me?
Am I really doing what I want to do with my life?
Am I running away from my problems?
Does anyone other than family really care for me as I care for them?
Why am I pretending to be happy when I know I haven't been really happy since God knows when?

Do any of you have any answers for this?

Thoughts racing through my mind.

I always have daydreams of what I really want to happen in a conversation.
I picture me talking to someone and I can predict what they are going to say.
But this only happens when I talk to someone I really truly know, for example, anyone in my family.
Nothing ever goes the way planned and I don't like that.
Why can't something, just for once, go the way I want it to go?

When will I ever be truly happy with life and not have to pretend I am?
Can people see that I'm pretending to laugh and have fun because I don't like to share my emotions with anyone.
I don't like people trying to fix my problems.
I'd rather keep them to myself.
I hide behind this wall I put up and only let a few people jump over it and actually see the real me.

I don't even think I know the real me.
I know a side of me.
The happy, go-lucky, never let anything bring me down side.
But for a while now, I've grown tired of that side of me.

Do I let my guard down and let people really understand me or should I keep pretending just so no one gets hurt, but in the long run, I'm just really hurting myself.
Something that I truly hate is hurting people, people hurting each other, and of course, people hurting themselves.

When will I find enough courage to just be myself and not care if I hurt someone in the long run?
Why?

Is there anyone out there?

I want someone, not in the "relationship or sexual kinda way" but, someone to talk to.
Okay, well not just anyone, I mean, yeah I have a few girls I can spill everything too but, I want a guy I can be that way with too.
I mean, I had Kyle, but we never talk anymore. I want someone who will tell me right from wrong, call me out on things, help me improve in life.
Someone I can share my secrets with, my darkest, deepest thoughts with.
But will this ever happen?
I don't know.
Maybe? Maybe not.
Oh well, I can wish, can't I?

Crazy dreams.

So, over the past few nights, I've been having these very sexually detailed dreams with my friend, who we used to have a sexual attraction with each other.
So, I text him tonight and tell him about it, but I don't want to give him the idea that I want something serious.
He's more of someone I want to fool around with, ya know?
Or am I weird?
I don't know.

It's whatever.
He said he "lost the sexual interest with you." because he's been going on a few dates with some chick.
I really hope they work out.

I mean, he'll always be my friend, no matter what.
He makes me think and always gives me an obstacle to overcome.

He's awesome, smart, and cool.
I don't ever want to lose a friendship with him.

Anyways, don't you hate it when people fight?
I sure do. Dang, fighting sucks nuts.

Anyways, I wanted to write a blog for you people tonight, even though no one reads these, so it's okay. ;D


Goodnight.

I have issues.

I have issues, I'll admit it.
I'm not afraid to say that.

But what I don't like is when people fight.
And when they fight someone elses battle.

This happened last night.
My friend Will and I were talking and he asked if I knew who wrote the Declaration of Independence and I said no. He was shocked and started asking me all these other questions.
Like, who freed the slaves and spell his name correctly. And so he said he couldn't talk to me anymore that day and sign off AIM. He then text messages me saying things and called me dumb.

I told my friend Amanda about it and she got pissed.
So I had made a status update of facebook that said "I don't care, I don't care... I DON'T CARE!" And of course, Will comments on it saying I should care.

THEN Amanda goes into the conversation and basically would of "beat his ass if he wouldn't stop."
But now, everything is fine... I guess?
I don't know.

I have a issue with telling people my problems because I am 100% against fighting.
I hate fighting with people, people fighting with each other, being in the middle of people's fights.

To me, fighting isn't worth anything. Nothing happens when you fight.
Nothing.
You say things that later on you wish you hadn't.
Why lose someone you care about because of something little?

Funny thing is, as I think and type this, this very thing happened to me and Will was the one who told me it wasn't worth losing a friend. And I believe him 100% because you don't know when later in life you'll need or want that person again and they'll no longer be there for you.

So why hold a grudge?
Why take something so amazing and turn it into nothing?

There isn't a reason. So why do it? I don't know. But from that day forward I have hated getting into heated "discussions" with other people.

Life is to short to be mad at someone.
Be the bigger person and don't say anything about or forgive them.

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Matthew 6:14-15

If you were truly my friend.

When will I ever have to stop proving my intelligence to people?
Why can't they see it themselves?

When will you ever be able to see that it doesn't matter if I don't know who wrote the Declaration of Independence off the top of my head or when John Adams was in office? It shouldn't matter that I don't know. You should be my friend and not a dick either way.

If proving my intelligence to you is the only way we can be friends then we were never really friends in the first place.

I've had to prove my intelligence all my life to my FAMILY, because they didn't think I was smart enough for them. Maybe its just republicans who think this way.
No, I take that back, maybe it the fact that you are so conceited that you care about no one but yourself.
Oh sure, you have friends who you are best friends with but you should really stop criticizing people before you know the whole story.
If not knowing who wrote the Declaration of Independence makes me "un-American" what am I then?
A foreigner? No. I'm an American, I don't retain numbers and dates that happened so many years ago.
Yea, they taught this in American History, and I learned it and everything but I don't care for this useless knowledge, its not like I'm going to be on Jeopardy and need to know this stuff.

All I am saying is that, if you were truly my friend, you wouldn't make me prove my intelligence to you. That's not what friends do.
No matter what kind of friendship they have.

I'm sorry.

The word sorry has been thrown around like the word love.

It no longer has a certain meaning.
People say it just to get out of a situation.
Are you actually sorry, because if you were sorry, you wouldn't do it again.

I hate the words sorry and love.
Neither have any meanings to me anymore.

Both have been thrown at me like there was meaning behind the words, but yet, there wasn't.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, others, and animals.