Hey, hey, Guessssss WHAT!?

So, today I had an interview at the Santa Fe Bookstore.

And I got the job! :D

Yay!

Anyways, before that, I had to catch 3 buses to get there.

But bus 5 ran a little late and I missed the bus and this other lady, a black lady with a deep African accent, did too.

She asked to borrow my cell phone to call her husband because she had an exam at 9:30 and it was already 8:45.

So, I let her. She told me she and her husband would give me a ride because I was nice enough to let her use my phone.

So we wait at the bus stop for her husband and she tells me about work study and everything.

When her husband gets there, she offers me to sit in the front seat because there was a baby in the back, who was named John. He was the cutest little black baby I’ve seen.

But anyways, her husband asked me what I did on Sundays and I said nothing, because I have yet to go to the church on University that Will was telling me about, and so he gave me this card and told me to go to this church.

But I don’t think I’m going too.
Just because I’m going to check out the one on University because it’s a Catholic Church and the one he told me to go to was a Baptist.

But anyways, people are actually fairly nice.

You just gotta be nice to them.

Would you consider this harsh?

It starts at the bottom.

_________________________________

Subject: RE: so

Body:

Why would I do that? I mean, we are both moving on and going to different schools in towns 3 hours away from each other.
We will barely have any time to talk. I just feel this is better for us. We don't have to stop being friends but we won't be best friends and I won't give it another chance. Sorry.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jen
To: Maria
Date: Jul 27, 2009 2:19 AM
Subject: RE: so


One thing, and you don't have to answer this. Can we start over? You don't give me your trust I earn it just the way I did when we first became friends. Kind of a fresh start

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Maria
To: Jen
Date: Jul 27, 2009 1:36 AM
Subject: RE: so


But its not going to. I'm sorry, I'm not going to put my trust in someone or multiple people who don't act like they care. That was the last straw, sorry. We'll still be friends but not like we were.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jen
To: Maria
Date: Jul 27, 2009 1:31 AM
Subject: so


I want to apologize for being a bad friend for the past week and days to you. Last night was a huge mistake on my part and I should have figured out the plans with Jenn before I went and invited you to come over and tell you that I could pick you up. I really do care about you as a person even though lately I haven't been expressing that. You mean so much to me because you are truly one of my best friends and I can honestly count on you to tell me the truth. I want our friendship to go back to the way that was. I love you

What is love?

Love.
Such a complex word right?
The dictionary defines love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person and sexual desire."
This generation defines love as "hugging or kissing some one public"

That isn't love.
It's lust.
Lust and love are two totally different things.

Lust for example means: "any intense desire or craving for self gratification mostly sexual desire."
Lust has many symptoms such as: craving physical attention, pleasure, fooling around.
Shoot, I'll admit it. I lust Will. I just want to pleasure and be pleasured by him.
I don't want anything more.
But anyways, this word "love." I don't have anything to describe it.
I haven't ever been "in love," so I wouldn't know what it means or how it feels.

But, love is very hard to understand.
When two people "love" each other, they want to spend all their time with each other.
They want to show public display of affection, aka PDA. They don't get annoyed with each other over silly little things.
They want each other to have the best. The best they could give to that one individual.

I don't know if I'll ever be "in love" or if I'll ever find "my one true love" or anything.
But what I do know.

Is that I am very lustful.
I always have sexual desire towards males.
It'll always be that way. ;]

You're crazy.

I don't get it.
I was told...
"Let's hang out this weekend when you come back into town."
I said "Sure, that'll be cool. How about Saturday?"
"Alright, that sounds awesome."

Saturday comes around...
"Hey, we still hanging out today?"
3 hours later, no response.

I get onto myspace and see her status:
"Hanging out with Jennifer."
So I comment it saying, "I guess we aren't hanging out."

So I text Jenn and ask her to hang out, she says she's with Jen so she can't.
But I can hang out with both of them later.
I text her back saying I can't because I'm going to see Beauty and the Beast tonight.
So it'd be too late.
She replied with..."Mmmky."

I don't get it.
These two people see each other basically every day of their lives.
And when they say they'll make time for others, they forget or only care about certain others.

Something else *in sarcastic tone* oh so wonderful happened today.
So, Jen, Jenn and I were all supposed to hang out tonight after I went to see Beauty and the Beast right?
Well guess what? We went to Cici's before I saw B&B and Jen and Jenn got into a fight.
So, they went home.
Jen texts me saying, "I'll pick you up after the show and we'll hang out."
So I reply saying "Okay, that's cool. I'll text you when we get out."
So, during intermission, I check my phone. I see a text from Caty's Twitter saying she's going to Milano's with Jen, Jenn, Aria, and someone else.
And I get another text from Jenn saying that they are going to Amsterdam.
So, since it was close to my house Jen said she'd most likely pick me up and to text her when the show gets out.
So, I did and sent my only ride home, home.
I get a text back from Jen saying, I can't take you. We are still at Amsterdam.
Awesome, Right?
No. Fucking shit. I'm alone at FCCJ at 11pm. Fuck no.
I'm fucking tired of this bullshit they play.
So I text her these exact words: "Thanks for saying you could come get me. I sent my ride home. Now I have to wait for them to drive back out here and get me. Thanks a lot."
And she replies "Sorry."
Sorry doesn't cut it anymore. That was the fucking LAST straw Jen. I'm done. So. Fucking. Done.
She isn't the on having to wait at 11pm with no one at FCCJ waiting for a ride.
Then she asks if she can go to church with me tomorrow. Uh.. why would I want to go to church with you?
You just fucking bailed on me. TWICE in the same FUCKING DAY!
She apparently didn't think I wanted to hang out with her anymore, so she and everyone else she was hanging out with went to see a movie.
Oh thanks Jen, thanks for inviting me to hang out. Because we are totally "best friends". Oh yeah, I forgot. No we aren't.
Fuck you. I'm done.

This is one of the reasons why I want to break all my connections with people who live here.
Except for like 2 people.
[Cleo and Womanizer.]

None of the others really seem to care about me anymore.
So why should I care for them?

They say they are my "best" friends and never get to see me...
Well this is why I don't call people my "best friends."

There isn't even a real meaning to the term "best friend," and if there were, no one I know has even come close to meeting that quota, besides Yoko.

Yoko is my light. My hero. My knight in shining. My brain basically.
She tells me right from wrong, corrects my mistakes, and helps me in life.
She's been there for me through so much. I don't think I can compare to her.
No one can. She's amazing.
I don't know where or who or what I would be with out her.


If I could have anything in the world it would be that Yoko and I stay friends forever.
Through every heartbreak, tears, laughter, and distance.
No matter what happens, I hope we will always be friends.
And some how I think we will be able too.

Whenever I need someone to talk to Yoko is there.
Whenever I want to tell old stories I tell Yoko.
Whenever I have a deep secret I will now only tell Yoko.
Whenever I want to cry, I'll cry to Yoko.
Because I know she will be there to lift me back up and put me in my place.

Thank you for listening. :]

20 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.

Life.

Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, dating, or haven’t dated at all.

It isn’t about who you’ve kissed, what sport you play, or which girl or guy likes you. It’s not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin. Not even where you live or go to school.

In fact, it’s not about grades, money or clothes. Life isnt about if you have a lot of friends, or if your alone, and it’s not about how accepted you are. Life just isn’t about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s not about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion. It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy; overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.

Most of all, it’s about choosing to use your life to touch someone else’s that couldn’t have been achieved otherwise.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Home, Jacksonville that is, feels different.
I don't like the atmosphere here, I mean, I miss everyone here but something just doesn't feel right.

I mean this weekend I came back home to see two plays, Annie and Beauty and the Beast.
But yet, I'm forced to clean the house in which I no longer live in.
But that's whatever.

It's just, I guess I'm more used to the relaxed life in Gainesville now.
I know when school starts its not going to be so relaxed but the atmosphere in Gainesville is better than in Jacksonville.

It might be because I love the feel of the country.

But anyways, I got home and got some even worse news about my other grandma.
Next week she's going to be going into surgery, but this surgery is something her heart can't take, so she might not make it through the surgery.

Please, pray for both of my grandma's.

Lord send us away inspired, excited, and filled with a sense of love and hope that will carry us through the week to come.
Amen.

Accomplishments I'd like to achieve.

• Go to all museums in the Gainesville area.
  [i.e. the ones at UF and the ones at SFC]
• Go see Harry Potter 6.
• Buy a car.
• Bike ride throughout the county part of Gainesville
• Get a job.
• Meet new and exciting people
• Go to church on a weekly basis.
• Keep my faith in God.
• Go to the zoo at SFC
• Connect with someone on a more personal level.
  [Like I did with Will, but not with Will I suppose, but that’s up to him.]

[More to be added later.]
[[As I accomplish something, I will cross it out.]]

Youthful Transgressions and my Grandma

As I look back to my adolescence, I realize that I passed up great opportunities for things that now have no meaning to me anymore.
For instance, I can't remember the last time I actually read a book with a better meaning than selfless drama and sex.
I want to be able to experience things I haven't. I want to explore more, in nature and in God.
I want to read The Bible. I haven't actually read the adult version of The Bible.
Last night, I told Yoko all these great stories of my youth.
i.e., my first crush, the first time i rode a bike, the adventures of me and my two best friends, and the stupidity stage i went through.

As she fell asleep, I reflected back on what I had told her and wished I could go back into my youth and relive all those moments all over again.
Some so I could relive my childhood and others so I could redo that moment.
I regret all the times I argued with my father, mother, step-mother, etc.

There are probably only three things in life I regret the most:
1. Losing my faith in God.
2. Losing my dad.
3. Not visiting my grandparents when I had the chance too.

I don't regret anything else really.
___________________________________________________________________

I found out yesterday that my grandma in Jacksonville has been in the hospital since Saturday.
Apparently she couldn't breath and was put into the hospital.

I really wish I could see her and have her remember me. I haven't seen her since Christmas.
My grandma means the world to me, more than anyone else in my life.
I remember hearing stories from her.
She would tell me that I slept in my crib in her and my grandpa's room when we lived there, and she would rock me to sleep and every time I cried in the middle of the night she would come and hold me and make sure I was alright.
She told me, that when my father moved us out into the house on Waverly Falls, that for the next few months, she would cry herself to sleep because I wasn't there.
If anything happens to my grandma, I don't know what I would be like. I don't think I'd be able to deal with the death of my grandma.
And it scares me because i know the days are creeping closer and closer that she'll pass away.
I miss her and I love her so much.
I really want to see her.

Religion.

Ah, Religion.

What a wonder topic to talk about yeah?
I believe so.

Hmm.
Let's start out by saying this:
Yes, I do believe I am religious.

But I'm still not entirely sure.
Yes, I believe that there is a God, Jesus, and a Holy Spirit.
But I still question things in life.
Yes, I go to Church and pray and ask God for forgiveness.
But, sometimes, I don't think I believe enough to actually have faith that God will get me through anything.

I've had a difficult time believing that there is a higher being.
i.e., God, & Jesus.

When I was fourteen I stopped going to church and praying and doing everything else a religious person would do.
I stopped having faith in God. I didn't believe He was actually "real."
I guess you could say that what I had believed in was taken away from me because of certain obstacles were thrown in my direction.

As the years when on, I hardly thought about God or my religion.
There were times in my life when I had wished that I could take back what had happened and have God in my heart the way He used to be in it.
But it just wasn't possible for me to look at God the same way.
Why, you might ask?
Because, the relationship I had with God came from my father and as far as the relationship with my father at the time was well it was nothing.

I kept trying to get back into touch with God but every time I did I felt like I was being denied by Him, because I broke the fifth Commandment, Honor thy father and thy mother. I disrespected my father and my stepmother, someone who has raised me for my whole life.

But, something about this year made it all different. I finally came to good terms with my father and I can actually look at him and be proud to call him my father.
He's someone I can look to for help in life.

As I came to terms with my dad, I was able to look at God the way I had use to, with the help of a friend.
I finally had enough courage to face God in His house, St. Paul's Catholic Church.

When I walked in the doors of the church I was greeted by a familiar face, Father Kelley, this priest known me since I was four. He baptized me, was there when I had confession, My First Holy Communion, and was the person who Confirmed into the Catholic Church.

When I sat down in the pew, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It kinda made me want to cry.
As mass started, I recognized all the songs, the prayers, and of course the responses.
The only thing I could not remember was, what do you respond with when the priest says, "The Body of Christ." It made me nervous as I made my way towards the line of people waiting for Communion.
When it was my turn I look the priest in the eyes and whispered "Amen." Not knowing if this was the right response or not, I cupped my hands waiting to receive the Body of Christ and he placed it in my hands.
I was relieved to know that I had said the right thing.

As the mass ended, I noticed my aunt sitting on the oposite side of the church and when we both walked out of the church we greeted each other, she didn't believe that I had actually come to church.
I think that the smile on my aunts face when she saw me was the most priceless thing.
Something that I had hoped for.
I felt like everything in my life was falling back into place.

Now all I ask for is to find a church here in Gainesville and someone to go with me to it, for my faith in God to never die again, and to be able to do things in life that I haven't done.