Bible Verses

1 John 1: 5-7
"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us all from sin."

1 Peter 3: 3-4
"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

1 Peter 5:10
"And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast."

Psalm 119:11
"I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you."

Proverbs 19:21
"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."

"Light is not recognized except through darkness."

Matthew 6:33
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

Romans 5:19
"For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous."

James 3:9-10
"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be."

2 Samuel 7:22
"Therefore You are great, O Lord God. For there is none like You, nor is there any God besides You, according to all that we have heard with our ears."

Hebrews 13:5-6
"Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, "I will never leave you nor forsake you." So we may boldly say: "The Lord is my helper; I will not fear. What can man do to me?"

Psalm 145:5
"I will meditate on the glorious splendor of Your majesty, and on Your wonderous works."

1 Timothy 4:12
"Do not let others look down on your because you're young, but set an example in love, in life, in speech, in faith, and in purity."
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

You are my sunshine.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
when skies are grey.
You'll never know dear,
How much I love you.
So please don't take
My sunshine away.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Is this real?

Am I falling for him? Could this be something real? I keep wishing it could be. Every time I doubt it, he always seems to remind me. It's like he's reading my mind.
I feel as if I am thinking about him a lot. He seems like one of the only people I can hold a decent conversation with nowadays and even then most of it is choppy. Blah. What is going on with me? Is this the way I am supposed to feel?
I mean I believe I am sort of falling in either deep like or very small love with him. I'd say all this to him but I don't want him to freak out. :P
I do enjoy and respect the fact that he himself wants to take things slow. He always makes smile even when we were over 2000 miles apart. He's an amazing guy and he is also very adorable. ;D
He is more than likely the first guy I've ever felt this way about. He knows the right words to say, how to make me laugh, my family all seems to love him, especially my little cousins.
He has made these past two months the most enjoyable months I had in an extremely long time. I am not saying he's my everything but what I am saying is that he's someone I could possibly picture myself with for a very long time. I thank You, God that you made me meet him. You are an amazing God.
It's been said that when you meet the person you've been destined to be with you'll feel it in your heart. Something about Michael Mahoney is telling me that God wants him and I
To be together. I don't know how or why but I don't mind.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Awkward....

Why am I feeling this way, God? Is it not meant to be? Is the distance pulling us apart? How come when we are together we can't have a normal conversation? I feel like ever since we started dating our conversations have dropped significantly. Is this the way you planned it? God, I would really like if this would work between him and I. I don't know how he feels since we don't like the word love. I know this isn't love but I would like to know how he feels. I mean he has to like me, right? Or he wouldn't be wanting me to meet his friends and family. I don't want him to physically show me he likes me, but saying so every now and then would be nice. I mean granted we've only been dating 3 weeks, but I really like him. But I barely know anything about him. I don't know his life. I've only known him this short while. You brought us together but I don't know what You want us to do. Please, God, give me a sign from above about what you want me to do about this feeling of, for lack of a better word, loneliness. It's killing me inside. How do I talk to him about this? I know its not easy but if we want this relationship to last, it has to be talked about, right? Anyways, I love you, God. Thank you for this wonderful life you've given me.

October 3, 2009

Today I went to the zoo with Mahoney, his nephew, Kyle, Jennifer, Jessica, and Olivia, the mall with all of them except Mahoney and his nephew and played neon mini golf, then to Sweet Tomatoes where Ariel, Chelsea, Yoko, Ashley, and Akia joined us, where they almost got us kicked out of because they were being extremely loud and themselves, and then we, Yoko, Kyle, Jennifer, Chelsea, and Akia went to Walmart on Hodges and had a scavenger hunt, which I didn't win, then we, Yoko, Jennifer, Chelsea and I, went to Jennifer's and then they wanted coffee so we drove to a gate station and got coffee, and then we went on a tour of the Student Life Center at UNF.
And it is now 2:17am, I am supposed to be READY by 8:45am, but I can not sleep in this apartment when other people are awake, well I a mean I can, I just don't like to.
Anyways, tomorrow/later today, I am going to church with Mahoney and Kyle, I am not going to lie, I will be feeling a little awkward, I am just so use to my church that I rarely go to other peoples' churches.
I know, I am weird, do not judge me.
BUT back to what I WAS talking about, I am going back to Gainesville tomorrow, I really don't even want to, someone want to take over my lease and just let me move back to Jacksonville.. You'll have October free and I'll pay for November.
Seriously, I despise Gainesville!!!!


ANYWAYS, I guess I am now tired.
And apparently it is not too late for me to become a jedi...

GOODNIGHT <3

October 2, 2009

Tonight was just amazing.
I had had my doubts about YouthQuake but it was nice, never have I seen so many Christians so energetic. It reminded me sort of like Thespians.
I felt as if I was sort of out of place on some levels. I have never felt that much passion about Christ, even in my own church, from the youth. Jennifer plans on coming to the next one with me.
On the way home, we got lost for almost 20 extra minutes than it should have taken.
When I got back to my mom's house, I went to get my backpack and as Kyle quoted me: "There were three knives on the table next to my things. WHAT THE HELL MOM!" I was scared. I didn't know if she was trying to leave me a message or something... Talk about awkward.
Then I went to my brothers' apartment and he asked me about my "friend," also know as Mahoney; only because I didn't tell him and he was upset that I didn't.
Then I called Jennifer and she came and picked me up, we then went to the beach and walked for probably an hour and a half. She and I talked about everything on our minds.
And as Jennifer said, "You don't know what you love until you miss it." It's true, I use to despise Jacksonville and everything thing in it. But I feel everything I want and need in my life is here in Jacksonville and I have a bigger chance to live my goal here.
I guess I needed to be away from Jacksonville for only so long to remember all the good things about it.
I've missed all the people I knew, just started to get to know, and my family and the places in Jacksonville.
I do plan on moving back to Jacksonville in December and plan on restarting my college career.


SO If anyone has any places in mind as to where to live and get a job.I am all ears. :D

<3

Past.

I haven't told many people this, I didn't tell you when you asked about my past, I use to think I was completely useless in the world. I believed I was not good enough for anyone, my family seemed to think the same. I use to feel that if I was just gone, no one would care. I use to write notes about how I would kill myself and almost brought myself to doing it.
Now I know that I am completely useful to many people and God alone has shown me this. He's shown me that people need me in this world and I am very fortune to be living. I talk to Him everyday of my life. I try not to remember things from my past for it just brings back bad memories. But that is what they are, memories, nothing else. They will never be in my thoughts again because God has a plan for me. God has a plan for everyone in world whether you believe in Him or not, He will always be with you.

....

I think I that I like like Michael Mahoney.

You, yes you.

I friggin' like you!!

Why!!!!

Why can't I get you off of my mind?

I'm broken.

Okay, so first of all.
I've been craving the taste of you for so long. I saw you the other day and could not even say one simple word as: "Hi."
I get nervous and different when I'm in your presence.
I don't get it. You're not that different from other people I've liked but yet this how I feel when I'm around you.

I've told you some of my deepest, darkest stuff.
I've showed you things, I keep only to myself. You've showed me things.

I don't see why you can't just give me a chance. A real chance.

Online banking.

So, I really hate online banking, I don't understand it.
I think it's retarded, silly, and it might be convenient if it actually transferred when you wanted it too.
I have to transfer money from Navy Federal Credit Union to my Bank of America checking account so I can order my books.
So, yesterday, I set up the transferring accounts and set Navy Federal up to transfer 400.00 into Bank of America today, so I get up and check it, the 400.00 that was in Navy Federal is gone but it's not in Bank of America, apparently I did not put in the correct account number for Bank Of America, so I called Navy Federal who then called Bank Of America and set up my ACTUAL account number so I can make this transfer, but now I have 400.00 sitting in cyberspace right now.
I probably won't have it back until like, Friday.
Anyways, I need this transfer to happen asap so I can order my books before I go to work Wednesday so I can pick them up.
Duh. :]

No title.

God, I can't take it anymore.
I try to suppress my feelings that I have towards you and just be friends with you, but every time I try, it does not seem to work.
From the first time I met you, way back when you were dating one of my friends, I could tell we would be friends for a while, which was true.
I hope you can still consider me your friend even though I don't fit your friend "quota."
I know I'm not a good athlete, I don't remember most things I've learned, and I haven't done much with my life.
But I hope you can look past all the negative things about me and see my positive things.
I've had a rough life, while you lead somewhat of the "simpler" life, not saying that you got everything you asked for and I'm not saying that I didn't get much of what I asked for either, but you always talk about all these fun and exciting things you've done while I say I've hardly done a third of that.
I'm trying to stop my feelings and just see you as a normal, regular friend. It might take longer than I hope, but if that's all we will ever be, I will bare with it and move on.

Jumbled mess.

My feelings for you are a jumbled mess. I can't determine whether or not if I like you or if its lust. I don't know if I want something more than just being friends with you.
It makes me want to bawl. Why must we be like this with each other.
Why can't we just finish what we started.
I don't know if I just want your body or your body and your mind.
You make me feel rare. It's like you want me to be successful in life, yet you won't say it directly to me, like you want me to figure it out myself, like you've given me a push, but that's all you'll give me until I come and ask for more.
Is this true?
Is this how you feel?

Do we stop being friends entirely or do we just take a break from each other?

I don't want to ever not be friends with you, I don't think I have it in me for that.
I can't see myself in the future not being friends with you.
Can you?
I don't want to end up like you and Yoko.
That's all I will say.

Good day!

Questions I keep asking myself.

Why do I think I like him?
Why am I friends with them?
Do they even care about me?
Am I really doing what I want to do with my life?
Am I running away from my problems?
Does anyone other than family really care for me as I care for them?
Why am I pretending to be happy when I know I haven't been really happy since God knows when?

Do any of you have any answers for this?

Thoughts racing through my mind.

I always have daydreams of what I really want to happen in a conversation.
I picture me talking to someone and I can predict what they are going to say.
But this only happens when I talk to someone I really truly know, for example, anyone in my family.
Nothing ever goes the way planned and I don't like that.
Why can't something, just for once, go the way I want it to go?

When will I ever be truly happy with life and not have to pretend I am?
Can people see that I'm pretending to laugh and have fun because I don't like to share my emotions with anyone.
I don't like people trying to fix my problems.
I'd rather keep them to myself.
I hide behind this wall I put up and only let a few people jump over it and actually see the real me.

I don't even think I know the real me.
I know a side of me.
The happy, go-lucky, never let anything bring me down side.
But for a while now, I've grown tired of that side of me.

Do I let my guard down and let people really understand me or should I keep pretending just so no one gets hurt, but in the long run, I'm just really hurting myself.
Something that I truly hate is hurting people, people hurting each other, and of course, people hurting themselves.

When will I find enough courage to just be myself and not care if I hurt someone in the long run?
Why?

Is there anyone out there?

I want someone, not in the "relationship or sexual kinda way" but, someone to talk to.
Okay, well not just anyone, I mean, yeah I have a few girls I can spill everything too but, I want a guy I can be that way with too.
I mean, I had Kyle, but we never talk anymore. I want someone who will tell me right from wrong, call me out on things, help me improve in life.
Someone I can share my secrets with, my darkest, deepest thoughts with.
But will this ever happen?
I don't know.
Maybe? Maybe not.
Oh well, I can wish, can't I?

Crazy dreams.

So, over the past few nights, I've been having these very sexually detailed dreams with my friend, who we used to have a sexual attraction with each other.
So, I text him tonight and tell him about it, but I don't want to give him the idea that I want something serious.
He's more of someone I want to fool around with, ya know?
Or am I weird?
I don't know.

It's whatever.
He said he "lost the sexual interest with you." because he's been going on a few dates with some chick.
I really hope they work out.

I mean, he'll always be my friend, no matter what.
He makes me think and always gives me an obstacle to overcome.

He's awesome, smart, and cool.
I don't ever want to lose a friendship with him.

Anyways, don't you hate it when people fight?
I sure do. Dang, fighting sucks nuts.

Anyways, I wanted to write a blog for you people tonight, even though no one reads these, so it's okay. ;D


Goodnight.

I have issues.

I have issues, I'll admit it.
I'm not afraid to say that.

But what I don't like is when people fight.
And when they fight someone elses battle.

This happened last night.
My friend Will and I were talking and he asked if I knew who wrote the Declaration of Independence and I said no. He was shocked and started asking me all these other questions.
Like, who freed the slaves and spell his name correctly. And so he said he couldn't talk to me anymore that day and sign off AIM. He then text messages me saying things and called me dumb.

I told my friend Amanda about it and she got pissed.
So I had made a status update of facebook that said "I don't care, I don't care... I DON'T CARE!" And of course, Will comments on it saying I should care.

THEN Amanda goes into the conversation and basically would of "beat his ass if he wouldn't stop."
But now, everything is fine... I guess?
I don't know.

I have a issue with telling people my problems because I am 100% against fighting.
I hate fighting with people, people fighting with each other, being in the middle of people's fights.

To me, fighting isn't worth anything. Nothing happens when you fight.
Nothing.
You say things that later on you wish you hadn't.
Why lose someone you care about because of something little?

Funny thing is, as I think and type this, this very thing happened to me and Will was the one who told me it wasn't worth losing a friend. And I believe him 100% because you don't know when later in life you'll need or want that person again and they'll no longer be there for you.

So why hold a grudge?
Why take something so amazing and turn it into nothing?

There isn't a reason. So why do it? I don't know. But from that day forward I have hated getting into heated "discussions" with other people.

Life is to short to be mad at someone.
Be the bigger person and don't say anything about or forgive them.

"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."
Matthew 6:14-15

If you were truly my friend.

When will I ever have to stop proving my intelligence to people?
Why can't they see it themselves?

When will you ever be able to see that it doesn't matter if I don't know who wrote the Declaration of Independence off the top of my head or when John Adams was in office? It shouldn't matter that I don't know. You should be my friend and not a dick either way.

If proving my intelligence to you is the only way we can be friends then we were never really friends in the first place.

I've had to prove my intelligence all my life to my FAMILY, because they didn't think I was smart enough for them. Maybe its just republicans who think this way.
No, I take that back, maybe it the fact that you are so conceited that you care about no one but yourself.
Oh sure, you have friends who you are best friends with but you should really stop criticizing people before you know the whole story.
If not knowing who wrote the Declaration of Independence makes me "un-American" what am I then?
A foreigner? No. I'm an American, I don't retain numbers and dates that happened so many years ago.
Yea, they taught this in American History, and I learned it and everything but I don't care for this useless knowledge, its not like I'm going to be on Jeopardy and need to know this stuff.

All I am saying is that, if you were truly my friend, you wouldn't make me prove my intelligence to you. That's not what friends do.
No matter what kind of friendship they have.

I'm sorry.

The word sorry has been thrown around like the word love.

It no longer has a certain meaning.
People say it just to get out of a situation.
Are you actually sorry, because if you were sorry, you wouldn't do it again.

I hate the words sorry and love.
Neither have any meanings to me anymore.

Both have been thrown at me like there was meaning behind the words, but yet, there wasn't.

I hate feeling sorry for myself, others, and animals.

Hey, hey, Guessssss WHAT!?

So, today I had an interview at the Santa Fe Bookstore.

And I got the job! :D

Yay!

Anyways, before that, I had to catch 3 buses to get there.

But bus 5 ran a little late and I missed the bus and this other lady, a black lady with a deep African accent, did too.

She asked to borrow my cell phone to call her husband because she had an exam at 9:30 and it was already 8:45.

So, I let her. She told me she and her husband would give me a ride because I was nice enough to let her use my phone.

So we wait at the bus stop for her husband and she tells me about work study and everything.

When her husband gets there, she offers me to sit in the front seat because there was a baby in the back, who was named John. He was the cutest little black baby I’ve seen.

But anyways, her husband asked me what I did on Sundays and I said nothing, because I have yet to go to the church on University that Will was telling me about, and so he gave me this card and told me to go to this church.

But I don’t think I’m going too.
Just because I’m going to check out the one on University because it’s a Catholic Church and the one he told me to go to was a Baptist.

But anyways, people are actually fairly nice.

You just gotta be nice to them.

Would you consider this harsh?

It starts at the bottom.

_________________________________

Subject: RE: so

Body:

Why would I do that? I mean, we are both moving on and going to different schools in towns 3 hours away from each other.
We will barely have any time to talk. I just feel this is better for us. We don't have to stop being friends but we won't be best friends and I won't give it another chance. Sorry.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jen
To: Maria
Date: Jul 27, 2009 2:19 AM
Subject: RE: so


One thing, and you don't have to answer this. Can we start over? You don't give me your trust I earn it just the way I did when we first became friends. Kind of a fresh start

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Maria
To: Jen
Date: Jul 27, 2009 1:36 AM
Subject: RE: so


But its not going to. I'm sorry, I'm not going to put my trust in someone or multiple people who don't act like they care. That was the last straw, sorry. We'll still be friends but not like we were.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jen
To: Maria
Date: Jul 27, 2009 1:31 AM
Subject: so


I want to apologize for being a bad friend for the past week and days to you. Last night was a huge mistake on my part and I should have figured out the plans with Jenn before I went and invited you to come over and tell you that I could pick you up. I really do care about you as a person even though lately I haven't been expressing that. You mean so much to me because you are truly one of my best friends and I can honestly count on you to tell me the truth. I want our friendship to go back to the way that was. I love you

What is love?

Love.
Such a complex word right?
The dictionary defines love as "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person and sexual desire."
This generation defines love as "hugging or kissing some one public"

That isn't love.
It's lust.
Lust and love are two totally different things.

Lust for example means: "any intense desire or craving for self gratification mostly sexual desire."
Lust has many symptoms such as: craving physical attention, pleasure, fooling around.
Shoot, I'll admit it. I lust Will. I just want to pleasure and be pleasured by him.
I don't want anything more.
But anyways, this word "love." I don't have anything to describe it.
I haven't ever been "in love," so I wouldn't know what it means or how it feels.

But, love is very hard to understand.
When two people "love" each other, they want to spend all their time with each other.
They want to show public display of affection, aka PDA. They don't get annoyed with each other over silly little things.
They want each other to have the best. The best they could give to that one individual.

I don't know if I'll ever be "in love" or if I'll ever find "my one true love" or anything.
But what I do know.

Is that I am very lustful.
I always have sexual desire towards males.
It'll always be that way. ;]

You're crazy.

I don't get it.
I was told...
"Let's hang out this weekend when you come back into town."
I said "Sure, that'll be cool. How about Saturday?"
"Alright, that sounds awesome."

Saturday comes around...
"Hey, we still hanging out today?"
3 hours later, no response.

I get onto myspace and see her status:
"Hanging out with Jennifer."
So I comment it saying, "I guess we aren't hanging out."

So I text Jenn and ask her to hang out, she says she's with Jen so she can't.
But I can hang out with both of them later.
I text her back saying I can't because I'm going to see Beauty and the Beast tonight.
So it'd be too late.
She replied with..."Mmmky."

I don't get it.
These two people see each other basically every day of their lives.
And when they say they'll make time for others, they forget or only care about certain others.

Something else *in sarcastic tone* oh so wonderful happened today.
So, Jen, Jenn and I were all supposed to hang out tonight after I went to see Beauty and the Beast right?
Well guess what? We went to Cici's before I saw B&B and Jen and Jenn got into a fight.
So, they went home.
Jen texts me saying, "I'll pick you up after the show and we'll hang out."
So I reply saying "Okay, that's cool. I'll text you when we get out."
So, during intermission, I check my phone. I see a text from Caty's Twitter saying she's going to Milano's with Jen, Jenn, Aria, and someone else.
And I get another text from Jenn saying that they are going to Amsterdam.
So, since it was close to my house Jen said she'd most likely pick me up and to text her when the show gets out.
So, I did and sent my only ride home, home.
I get a text back from Jen saying, I can't take you. We are still at Amsterdam.
Awesome, Right?
No. Fucking shit. I'm alone at FCCJ at 11pm. Fuck no.
I'm fucking tired of this bullshit they play.
So I text her these exact words: "Thanks for saying you could come get me. I sent my ride home. Now I have to wait for them to drive back out here and get me. Thanks a lot."
And she replies "Sorry."
Sorry doesn't cut it anymore. That was the fucking LAST straw Jen. I'm done. So. Fucking. Done.
She isn't the on having to wait at 11pm with no one at FCCJ waiting for a ride.
Then she asks if she can go to church with me tomorrow. Uh.. why would I want to go to church with you?
You just fucking bailed on me. TWICE in the same FUCKING DAY!
She apparently didn't think I wanted to hang out with her anymore, so she and everyone else she was hanging out with went to see a movie.
Oh thanks Jen, thanks for inviting me to hang out. Because we are totally "best friends". Oh yeah, I forgot. No we aren't.
Fuck you. I'm done.

This is one of the reasons why I want to break all my connections with people who live here.
Except for like 2 people.
[Cleo and Womanizer.]

None of the others really seem to care about me anymore.
So why should I care for them?

They say they are my "best" friends and never get to see me...
Well this is why I don't call people my "best friends."

There isn't even a real meaning to the term "best friend," and if there were, no one I know has even come close to meeting that quota, besides Yoko.

Yoko is my light. My hero. My knight in shining. My brain basically.
She tells me right from wrong, corrects my mistakes, and helps me in life.
She's been there for me through so much. I don't think I can compare to her.
No one can. She's amazing.
I don't know where or who or what I would be with out her.


If I could have anything in the world it would be that Yoko and I stay friends forever.
Through every heartbreak, tears, laughter, and distance.
No matter what happens, I hope we will always be friends.
And some how I think we will be able too.

Whenever I need someone to talk to Yoko is there.
Whenever I want to tell old stories I tell Yoko.
Whenever I have a deep secret I will now only tell Yoko.
Whenever I want to cry, I'll cry to Yoko.
Because I know she will be there to lift me back up and put me in my place.

Thank you for listening. :]

20 Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

1. You can GET chocolate.
2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate.
3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind.
8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate.
10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it.
14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16. Good chocolate is easy to find.
17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter; it’s always good.

Life.

Life isn’t about keeping score. It’s not about how many people call you and it’s not about who you’ve dated, dating, or haven’t dated at all.

It isn’t about who you’ve kissed, what sport you play, or which girl or guy likes you. It’s not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin. Not even where you live or go to school.

In fact, it’s not about grades, money or clothes. Life isnt about if you have a lot of friends, or if your alone, and it’s not about how accepted you are. Life just isn’t about that.

But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It’s not about how you feel about yourself. It’s about trust, happiness, and compassion. It’s about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy; overcoming ignorance and building confidence. It’s about seeing people for who they are and not what they have.

Most of all, it’s about choosing to use your life to touch someone else’s that couldn’t have been achieved otherwise.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Home, Jacksonville that is, feels different.
I don't like the atmosphere here, I mean, I miss everyone here but something just doesn't feel right.

I mean this weekend I came back home to see two plays, Annie and Beauty and the Beast.
But yet, I'm forced to clean the house in which I no longer live in.
But that's whatever.

It's just, I guess I'm more used to the relaxed life in Gainesville now.
I know when school starts its not going to be so relaxed but the atmosphere in Gainesville is better than in Jacksonville.

It might be because I love the feel of the country.

But anyways, I got home and got some even worse news about my other grandma.
Next week she's going to be going into surgery, but this surgery is something her heart can't take, so she might not make it through the surgery.

Please, pray for both of my grandma's.

Lord send us away inspired, excited, and filled with a sense of love and hope that will carry us through the week to come.
Amen.

Accomplishments I'd like to achieve.

• Go to all museums in the Gainesville area.
  [i.e. the ones at UF and the ones at SFC]
• Go see Harry Potter 6.
• Buy a car.
• Bike ride throughout the county part of Gainesville
• Get a job.
• Meet new and exciting people
• Go to church on a weekly basis.
• Keep my faith in God.
• Go to the zoo at SFC
• Connect with someone on a more personal level.
  [Like I did with Will, but not with Will I suppose, but that’s up to him.]

[More to be added later.]
[[As I accomplish something, I will cross it out.]]

Youthful Transgressions and my Grandma

As I look back to my adolescence, I realize that I passed up great opportunities for things that now have no meaning to me anymore.
For instance, I can't remember the last time I actually read a book with a better meaning than selfless drama and sex.
I want to be able to experience things I haven't. I want to explore more, in nature and in God.
I want to read The Bible. I haven't actually read the adult version of The Bible.
Last night, I told Yoko all these great stories of my youth.
i.e., my first crush, the first time i rode a bike, the adventures of me and my two best friends, and the stupidity stage i went through.

As she fell asleep, I reflected back on what I had told her and wished I could go back into my youth and relive all those moments all over again.
Some so I could relive my childhood and others so I could redo that moment.
I regret all the times I argued with my father, mother, step-mother, etc.

There are probably only three things in life I regret the most:
1. Losing my faith in God.
2. Losing my dad.
3. Not visiting my grandparents when I had the chance too.

I don't regret anything else really.
___________________________________________________________________

I found out yesterday that my grandma in Jacksonville has been in the hospital since Saturday.
Apparently she couldn't breath and was put into the hospital.

I really wish I could see her and have her remember me. I haven't seen her since Christmas.
My grandma means the world to me, more than anyone else in my life.
I remember hearing stories from her.
She would tell me that I slept in my crib in her and my grandpa's room when we lived there, and she would rock me to sleep and every time I cried in the middle of the night she would come and hold me and make sure I was alright.
She told me, that when my father moved us out into the house on Waverly Falls, that for the next few months, she would cry herself to sleep because I wasn't there.
If anything happens to my grandma, I don't know what I would be like. I don't think I'd be able to deal with the death of my grandma.
And it scares me because i know the days are creeping closer and closer that she'll pass away.
I miss her and I love her so much.
I really want to see her.

Religion.

Ah, Religion.

What a wonder topic to talk about yeah?
I believe so.

Hmm.
Let's start out by saying this:
Yes, I do believe I am religious.

But I'm still not entirely sure.
Yes, I believe that there is a God, Jesus, and a Holy Spirit.
But I still question things in life.
Yes, I go to Church and pray and ask God for forgiveness.
But, sometimes, I don't think I believe enough to actually have faith that God will get me through anything.

I've had a difficult time believing that there is a higher being.
i.e., God, & Jesus.

When I was fourteen I stopped going to church and praying and doing everything else a religious person would do.
I stopped having faith in God. I didn't believe He was actually "real."
I guess you could say that what I had believed in was taken away from me because of certain obstacles were thrown in my direction.

As the years when on, I hardly thought about God or my religion.
There were times in my life when I had wished that I could take back what had happened and have God in my heart the way He used to be in it.
But it just wasn't possible for me to look at God the same way.
Why, you might ask?
Because, the relationship I had with God came from my father and as far as the relationship with my father at the time was well it was nothing.

I kept trying to get back into touch with God but every time I did I felt like I was being denied by Him, because I broke the fifth Commandment, Honor thy father and thy mother. I disrespected my father and my stepmother, someone who has raised me for my whole life.

But, something about this year made it all different. I finally came to good terms with my father and I can actually look at him and be proud to call him my father.
He's someone I can look to for help in life.

As I came to terms with my dad, I was able to look at God the way I had use to, with the help of a friend.
I finally had enough courage to face God in His house, St. Paul's Catholic Church.

When I walked in the doors of the church I was greeted by a familiar face, Father Kelley, this priest known me since I was four. He baptized me, was there when I had confession, My First Holy Communion, and was the person who Confirmed into the Catholic Church.

When I sat down in the pew, I felt as if a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. It kinda made me want to cry.
As mass started, I recognized all the songs, the prayers, and of course the responses.
The only thing I could not remember was, what do you respond with when the priest says, "The Body of Christ." It made me nervous as I made my way towards the line of people waiting for Communion.
When it was my turn I look the priest in the eyes and whispered "Amen." Not knowing if this was the right response or not, I cupped my hands waiting to receive the Body of Christ and he placed it in my hands.
I was relieved to know that I had said the right thing.

As the mass ended, I noticed my aunt sitting on the oposite side of the church and when we both walked out of the church we greeted each other, she didn't believe that I had actually come to church.
I think that the smile on my aunts face when she saw me was the most priceless thing.
Something that I had hoped for.
I felt like everything in my life was falling back into place.

Now all I ask for is to find a church here in Gainesville and someone to go with me to it, for my faith in God to never die again, and to be able to do things in life that I haven't done.